Back on the Rock!

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I come alive again when I’m back on the Rock, as I call Mallorca. In a couple of days, I’ll be back on the island after a winter away. Although I can’t wait, I always get a tiny bit nostalgic as I remember the old days in El Arenal, Gomila and Magaluf.

This year, I’ll be continuing to teach my young buddy Hugh Carville how to be a legendary DJ like I was. I call him my apprentice – he loves it. I’ll be appearing at a fine karaoke joint near you, singing my signature tune ‘Quando Quando, Quando’ to my growing cult following. I’ll be perfecting the Lip’s signature brand of sit-down comedy. It’s born out of necessity. I’ve broken more ribs than a family of ten Yanks at an all you can eat Florida rib-joint.

There’s only one fly in the ointment. I keep getting text messages from David my ghostie, asking when I’m going to arrive as he needs the Lip’s sweet talking skills to extricate him from the clutches of the Brazilian missus of Senor Grande of El Arenal.

Don’t worry, folks. David’s not in any danger. It’s just that Senor El Grande lent him a penthouse apartment on the strip at El Arenal while David was writing Grande’s memoirs. Seems Grande’s much younger Brazilian wife, Carmen Banana, took a shine to David and took to visiting at all sorts of odd hours. She demanded he start teaching her yoga and creative writing. David refused but Senora Banana threatened to go to Grande and tell him David had tried it on with her. Now, anyone who knows David will tell you that he’s hardly the Casanova type but Grande don’t know that.

So, the Lip has to have a sit-down with Carmen Banana and ever so gently put her straight – or bent – about David. I think I’ll tell her he’s a closet trannie. Well, David’s always telling me to think creative.

And, by the time I do see David, that paella he owes me is going to be the size of a swimming pool. Which reminds me of the story of the Portals Vells Paella Plate Wars. Read the hilarious story in my book Hasta La Flip-Flops!